Do I have an original thought in my head? My balding head? Maybe if I were happier, my hairline wouldn't be receding.

Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. (I am a walking cliché.)

I really need to go the doctor, have myself checked. There's something wrong: there always is.

I didn't call the dentist again. I'm way overdue.

If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If I wasn't fat, I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time, like that's fooling anyone.

Fat ass.

I should start jogging again. Five miles a day, really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing.

I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do?

I need to fall in love. I need to have a boyfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Arabic or something, or took up an instrument? I could speak Arabic; I would be the writer who speaks Arabic, and plays the bass. That would be cool.

I should get my hair cut short, stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking it looks good this long.

How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what people are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true, especially these days. Almost as pressure on gay men as there is on women these days.

Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me: bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses.

I need to get help for that.

But I'll still be ugly, though. Nothing's gonna change that.