"Simon, smell my dick."
Simon obliges, and his face turns sour.
"It smells awful, doesn't it?"
"Jesse, that's what it smelled like last time I smelled your dick."
"All right, this is the plan: we're going to get some air freshener, and we're going to air freshen the shit out of my junk."
"I'm not standing up for Febrezing Jesse's Junk: 2010 Edition," Simon says. "I'm good right here."
Jesse turns to me.
"If you're leaving, I guess I'll leave," I say.
"You have air freshener in your car?"
"I have car," I say, but it doesn't sound right. "I mean, I have my car. I mean, wait, what?"
"Yes, you have car," Jesse says, then slowly enunciates the next seven syllables: "Do you have air freshener?"
"Yeah, yeah, I meant I have air freshener in my car."
"Also, I need to wash my hands. Kat?"
"Room with the toilet," she says and points down the hallway.
Jesse hurries away, and Kat slinks over to the armchair I'm sitting in, looks behind me.
"Guys," she says. "Hula hoops. Let's go. Me versus you."
I make a grunting noise, and Simon just laughs.
"You know what else? Berries. I have fresh berries in my kitchen. I will get them," she says, and forgets about hula hooping.
Simon and I sit in Kat's basement.
"What's up," he says.
"Ridiculous," I say.
"If you are referring to my current state of mind, you would be correct."
Jesse comes in, "You ready to go?"
"I guess so. Wait, Kat's bringing raspberries, let's eat them first, and then we'll go."
"I have to go."
"It'll take one minute."
"I have a wet dick that needs care! Do you want me to arrive home to my mom finding me with a wet bong dick? 'Hey, what's up, mom? Oh, this? I just saw a hot girl and I couldn't control myself.' Look at this shit. It looks like I came. Like I came thirty times."
"Or you could say that you came and were so embarrassed that you pissed yourself."
"Raspberries!" Kat sings as she walks down the stairs, and eight fingers leap into the plastic tub in her hands and then into our mouths.
With a full mouth, she mumbles, "Just don't get raspberries on the-- oh my god."
I look down and see two raspberries lying next to each other on the carpet, the juice already sinking into the fabric.
"Shit. So sorry," I say, and offer to lick it up for her.
"No, gross, my cats walk on this floor! Don't worry about it, I'll use the carpet cleaner. I have the foamy kind; it's awesome," and she skips to the laundry room.
"Is it Resolve?" Simon asks.
"Yeah," she calls back, "I only use Resolve to clean up my stains, drug-related or otherwise."
"Also works well for lots of blood."
"And it's only $19.99 for three bottles."
"And you get a coupon for five bucks off of Drano."
"Which can clean bonemeal out of your plumbing."
"You know what we should try sometime?" Kat says, coming back from the laundry room with no recollection as to why she went in at all.
"I hear that fucks you up hardcore-style."
"We could just get some boat cleaner, chug that shit."
"All right, can we get my bong dick out to your car now?"
"Okay, let's go."
We all head upstairs, the raspberries and Resolve no longer pertinent.
Jesse says, "Ugh, my mom is gonna have her man-friend over again, and he's going to say, 'Son, you piss yourself?' and I'll say, 'No, I came.'"
Lazy Eye comes on the CD in my car while I drive Simon home, still so fucking high.
"It's the only way we are," Simon says, and it takes me a second to realize I'd been thinking aloud.
"Spirit desire," Kim Gordon says for the twelfth time, and I laugh, but the laughter is forced, and the laughter is grating.